Roxas Gets THE TALK and Other Funny Tales
by Lady Isla
Summary: Axel and the other members of the Organization XIII teaches Roxas about the birds and the bees... with hilarious twists. Also including more tales of the wacky adventures and misadventures of Organization XIII.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: Axel and the other members of the Organization XIII teaches Roxas about the birds and the bees.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.**

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**Roxas Gets THE TALK**

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"See Roxas," Axel began, "Sex is like Struggle ..."

"Why is he comparing it to that bloody sport?" Luxord whispered to Demyx as they both play poker nearby.

Ignoring The Gambler of Fate's comment, Axel continues his lecture to Roxas.

"Sometimes you score, sometimes you don't."

"And Axel didn't most of the time. With sex that is," Demyx grinned. "Come to think of it, he didn't really with Struggle either ..."

Axel turned red and faced the Melodious Nocturne.

"Now wait just a minute, I scored more than you did!"

"Really?" Roxas asked.

"Uh, no... I mean yes! I mean… argh! Ignore him, Roxas!" Axel sputtered slightly.

"You're not doing a good job, aren't you?" Luxord asked, gathering his winnings while

Demyx pouted across him.

"Hey, gimme a break! It's not every day I give someone 'the talk'!" Axel complained.

"Excuse me?" Marluxia's head pops from doorway. "Do my ears deceive me? You're giving someone 'the talk', Axel?"

"Back off, pink-haired prissy," Axel warned him. "It's between me and Roxas. Got it memorized?"

The Graceful Assassin smirked. "I'm hurt; you cut me deep. Don't you think our little boy Roxy wants to know a bit more about the bird and the bees from other people?"

Axel was about to say something rude but Roxas cuts him off.

"Give him a chance, Axel. I would like to know what he says on the subject," the blonde said.

Axel looks uncertain but he nods approvingly. Demyx and Luxord watch nearby.

"I'll let you know that I'm an expert on this 'subject'," Marluxia tells Roxas.

"Oh, an expert, eh?" Axel muttered.

"You see, Roxy," Number XI began, "sex is like Mathematics… you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and expect to MULTIPLY! You can ask the women I did with."

The whole room fell silent.

"… You gotta be kidding me…" Demyx spoke up, looking aghast.

"You mean Marluxia's actually STRAIGHT?!" Axel gasped, clearly shocked.

"I knew it! Pay up." Demyx hands a couple of bills to a grinning Luxord.

"What the fu--?!" Marluxia hissed.

"Well, considering that you have pink hair, I thought for sure you like men," Axel smirked.

"I'M NOT GAY! At least I don't hang out with younger boys."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means I'm not the only one suspected of being homosexual."

"Lies! You take that back!"

"You take that back about me being gay!"

"Over my dead body."

"It's on, porcupine."

"Bring it, Girly Ass-sissy."

"Hold on a second!" Roxas yelled when the Girly Ass-sissy-- I mean, _Graceful Assasssin _and the Flurry of Dancing Flames took out their weapons to kick each other's butts. Both men stopped but they could not help but give each other dirty looks.

"I just want to know what the heck 'sex' is!" Roxas said.

"Oh, I can tell you that," Larxene suddenly appeared next to Luxord.

Demyx became startled by her sudden presence. "What are you doing here?"

"I live here, you morons," she glared at him.

"Oh, yeah…"

Larxene strolls over to Roxas. "You see, Roxas…"

"If it involves leather straps and whips, forget it, Larxene," Axel said.

Larxene growls at him.

"Hey, Demyx, I don't see you giving your share for the talk," Axel turns to Demyx.

Demyx blushed, "Uh, well… the thing is… Topics like make me nervous."

"Come on, Demyx, be a sport."

The Melodious Nocturne gulps nervously and he turns to Roxas, sweat pouring down his forehead, "You see… when a man and woman love each other… they have an urge to… uh… you see the man… they… removing… c-c-condo… big jugs… hot niiiiights... mommy… I can't do it!!!" The poor Nobody falls into a fetal position and began sucking his thumb with embarrassment.

Just then, Xigbar enters the room.

"Wazzup, dudes?" The Freeshooter greeted them.

"I want to know what 'sex' is, but frankly I'm not getting right answers," Roxas told him.

"Well, you're in luck! I happen to be an expert about it!" Xigbar declared.

"Oh, no… him too?" Demyx groaned, after getting over his embarrassment.

"No wonder he's called 'Bigrax'," Luxord whispered thoughfully.

"What?" Xigbar turns to Luxord, who shook his head and saying, "Never mind."

Then the one-eyed Nobody turns to Roxas. "The best way to explain it is to SHOW it."

"Oh, my god, you're not gonna ask one of us to do it with you?" Marluxia looks horrified.

"Not that way, you idiots… This way." Xigbar takes out a Barbie doll and a look-alike doll of himself. As he lectures to Roxas, he made the two dolls move in different positions what couples would like to do, and included sounds for the 'action'. Roxas and Axel both looked disgusted and they blushed slightly; Marluxia turns hopefully to Larxene, who winks at him, as if she's saying, "I'll see you tonight."; Demyx looks as if he is gonna vomit, while Luxord just raised an eyebrow.

"Ooh, Xiggy, you're an animal! Be gentle!" Xigbar provided a small girlish voice for the Barbie doll. Then the Freeshooter added a deep voice for his look-alike doll, "I know you like it, babe!"

"Xigbar!! We're supposed to teach Roxas, not traumatize him!" Axel shouted.

"Aw, but I was getting to the good part!"

Roxas, trembling with disgust and shock, is on the verge of sucking his thumb when Luxord spoke up, "It appears, I shall be the one explaining here."

"What are you gonna do, use your cards as an example?" Marluxia sneers.

"Nope." Luxord walks over to Roxas, and whispers something in his ear.

Roxas listens, then his eyes widen, blushed again, and his jaw dropped. The others try to listen what the Gambler of Fate is saying, but by the time Luxord is finished, Roxas looks awestrucked and dumbfounded. His eye was twitching. Then he did something he has never done before: he fainted.

"What did you tell him?" Axel asked Luxord.

"Oh, something he'll never forget," he said, smirking. "He won't be looking at you the same way anymore."

"What do you mean he won't look at me the same way? Hey, come back here! What did you say to Roxas? Luxord!"

**Fin.**

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**My first Kingdom Hearts fanfic. Please don't flame me and leave a review after reading this.**


	2. Alternate Ending

**Note: Here's the alternate ending. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer:I don't own Kingdom Hearts and its characters.**

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**Alternate Ending**

Roxas, trembling with disgust and shock, is on the verge of sucking his thumb when Luxord spoke up, "It appears, I shall be the one explaining here."

"What are you gonna do, use your cards as an example?" Marluxia sneers.

"Nope... However, I'm gonna need some volunteers." A mischevious twinkle appeared on the Gambler of Fate's eye as he spot two certain Nobodies... "Demyx, pretend to be a woman, and Axel can be the man..."

Axel and Demyx both screamed at him with protest.

"Eeewww! Luxord!" Demyx cried.

"There's NO way in HELL I would DO it with HIM!" Axel pointed at the Nobody beside him.

"I never took you as a yaoi guy," Larxene said to Luxord.

"I don't like yaoi, but I like to see if Axel and Demyx can pull off a slash postion and see them humiliated," Luxord grins.

"Why you--" Axel was about to burn Luxord's eyebrows when Saix entered the room.

"What are you fools doing here? You're supposed to be on your missions!"

"Aw, shut your mouth, 'Cuchulain', this is more important," Xigbar said.

"And may I ask what is more important than doing missions assigned by the Superior?" Saix raised his eyebrow.

"We're teaching Roxas about what sex is," Axel said.

There was a pause of silence and Saix's face suddenly contorted into unnatural rage, his facade frightening the members.

"_That's it?! You have been wasting your time just to tell Number XIII what hanky-panky is? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?!!"_ The Luna Diviner snarled.

"Well, w-w-we're not doing a g-g-good job!" Marluxia stammered.

Saix calms down. "You are all hopeless. Everyone, get out, while I tell Roxas all about the birds and bees."

Without being told twice, Axel, Demyx, Luxord, Marluxia, Larxene, and Xigbar filed out of the room.

Roxas looks at Saix. "Well...?"

Saix remembers what he was going to do. He takes out a book from his coat and hands it to Roxas.

"Here, read and you'll know everything that you need to know, and the parts you don't need to know." And with that, The berserker left the room.

Roxas opens to the first page and he was taken aback.

It was a book filled with pages of mating and sexual transmitted diseases... with pop-up illustrations.

Fin.

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	3. The Blackout

**Note: This funny story is inpired by my brother, who suggested that if the Organization XIII's hideout ever get blackouts. I wrote this story in an hour and I think I did a good job! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Organization XIII and Kingdom Hearts**

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**The Blackout**

It is another night in the World That Never Was, and the Organization XIII, except Axel who had left for a mission, was feeling bored.

"Who wants to see how many crayons I can stick up my nose?" Demyx asked.

"Ten," Xaldin replied, stabbing on a leg of the chair where Xemnas is sitting, unbeknownst the Superior.

"Who wants to get blind drunk and run around half-naked?" Xigbar asked.

"We did that to Zexion a month ago," Larxene said.

_**-Flashback-**_

_A drunk Zexion is dancing on top of a table wearing only his underwear and his boots._

"_I believe a thing called looOOVE!" Zexion sang very badly. _

"_I'm putting this on Youtube!" announced a drunk Xigbar, who tries to catch Zexion now dancing to his song. _

_**-End of Flashback-**_

"Oh yeah, that was fun," Xigbar mused.

"And to think he drank only **one** cup," Saix remarked.

Zexion shuddered from the horrific memory.

"I know! We can go to the wharf and slug some rats!" Xigbar suggested excitedly.

Everyone just stared at him.

"We can play poker," Luxord suggested.

"You cheat at every poker game," Lexaeus told him.

"Any more suggestions?" Xemnas asked.

"Let's have an orgy!" Marluxia piped up.

"NO!" everyone shouted.

At that moment, the chair leg Xaldin had been stabbing at quiet a while broke and Xemnas fell backwards, his legs shooting up. Saix, Vexen, and Roxas gasp with horror while Marluxia, Larxene, and Xigbar tried to stifle their giggles. Xemnas got up on his feet and gives them a threatening glare.

"Um, we can watch a Star Wars marathon," Roxas began nervously.

"Good idea!" Xigbar agreed. "I mean it'll be fun to see Xemnas to get in touch with his inner Star Wars fan. I mean, after all… he uses lighsabers as weapons."

"They are called Aerial Blades, Number II," Xemnas said coldly.

"As if!"

"Well, you go ahead and watch without me," Vexen said as he got up and starts walking away. "I'm gonna go back to my lab."

Everyone left went to the entertainment room and they turned on the TV. They put "The Phantom Menace" and they began to watch. At that moment…

Vexen turns on the light that leads to laboratory, which is in the basement. He was about to walk downstairs when the light turns off.

Taken aback by the sudden darkness, he accidentally stepped on his robe and he fell down the stairs.

"Ow!" **Thud.** "Ooh!" **Thud.** "Ouch!" **Thud!** Owie!" **Thud! THUD!** "OOWWWwww…. My leg…"

Back with other Nobodies, the lights have all turned off and everyone is surrounded by pitch darkness.

"Oh my kingdom hearts! Someone turned off the lights and they're gonna kill us!" Xigbar cried with terror.

"Shut up, Xigbar!" Xaldin barked. "It's only a blackout!"

"Demyx," Roxas' voice spoke up in the darkness. "I don't like you placing your hands in my pockets."

"What are you talking about, Roxas? My hands are in my pockets," Demyx replied.

"You mean in my pockets," Saix said.

"Lousy foolie," Demyx grumbled.

"Demyx, behave yourself!" Roxas warned him.

"Silence!" Xemnas' voice boomed, and everyone shut the heck up. "You're all behaving like children. I want someone to bring some candles like a proper adult so we can have some light around here. It's a shame Number VIII had to leave before this unfortunate thing happened."

"Yeah, where is Axel?" Marluxia asked.

"He went off to a mission," Lexaeus answered.

Meanwhile, in Axel's "mission"…

"Oh, yeah! Who wants a piece of the Flurry man?" Axel called out happily. He is shirtless and is wearing just his dark pants and boots. He is surrounded by various women as he dances sexily to the up-beat music.

"We love you, Axel!" Aerith, Tifa, and Yuffie squealed delightfully.

"Lucky dog," Cloud said grumpily as he skulk in a corner with Leon.

Back in the World That Never Was…

"I'll go fetch the candles," Zexion volunteered. "Number IX, Number XII, come with me."

Demyx and Larxene obeyed and they stayed close to Zexion as he led them through the darkness with the help of his super enhanced smell. Soon they reached the door that leads to the kitchen.

"I'll open the door," Demyx said and he reached out his hand to find the knob…

"Whoa, Zexion, when did you get big soft BOOBS?" the Melodious Nocturne asked, grinning.

"Demyx, I'm right here," the sixth member's voice can be heard from behind.

Demyx gulped. "Then whose…?"

There is flash of lightning and painful moan is heard afterwards.

"Pervert," Larxene growls.

Later…

"What do you mean we ran out of candles?" Xemnas asked, his voice rising.

"We have no more candles," Zexion replied.

"Not anymore! I found them," Xigbar spoke up. "I got some in my arms, does anyone have a match?"

Saix lits up a matchstick and lit the "candle" Xigbar found. His eyes widen with fear, if he can feel any.

"Xigbar, where did you get those?" the berseker asked slowly.

"I found them in the basement," Xigbar responded, everyone can see his face from the "candle's" light. "There was a whole stack of them and I picked a dozen or more."

"Xigbar, you moron! Those are firecrackers!" Xaldin shouted.

But it was too late. Xigbar dropped the firecrackers when he knew this and colorful lights suddenly fly across the room, whistling and zooming around the dark room.

Everyone was in a state of panic as they try not getting hit by the fireworks.

Xemas fell backwards over a chair; Xaldin tried to hit a firework with his lance but he missed and the lance almost hit Xigbar's head.

"Oh, my god! I was right! Someone's IS trying to kill us!" the Freeshooter shrieked.

Lexaeus dodged a firework but he tripped backwards and landed on top of Xemnas, his huge weight crushing the superior.

A lone firework landed on Marluxia's hair. It took the Graceful Assassin a while to figure out he was on fire.

"My hair's on fire! MY HAIR'S ON FIRE!" he screamed as he runs around, trying to put out the fire.

"Dance, water! Dance!" Demyx pulls out his sitar as he tries to assist his fellow member. Howver, because he can hardly see through the dark emitted by fast-flying colorful lights, he blast his water at Saix instead.

Luxord tries to run for cover but he bumps into Zexion and Larxene and they all fell.

Roxas, the only with common sense, hides under the sofa until the fiasco dies down.

Sometime later…

The lights came back on and Axel is strolling down the hall, humming a tune. He hurriedly zips up his rustled coat and wipes out the lipstick marks from his face, not wanting to let the others know he has been goofing off instead of doing his mission.

He entered a room when he noticed many burnt marks on the walls, floor, and ceiling. He saw many members sprawled across the floor, with bruises and burnt marks all over their bodies. Roxas is the only one who was unscratched and he was sitting on the burnt sofa.

"Hi, Axel, how's your mission?" he asked his best friend.

Axel looked wide-eyed when he saw the mess and he said in a disappointed tone, "You guys had a wild firework party and you didn't invite me?!"

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